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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.